After watching Die Hard: “4.0”, I realise someone needs to spoof these kinds of movies to show the people who produce them just how ridiculous some of the things in it are. So here’s my list of guidelines to creating a successful action movie (judging by what I’ve seen):
- The good guy always needs to constantly display a “tough guy” image. If it’s a good girl, then she must either be dressed in tight latex and must not weigh more than 60 kilos.
- Following on from #1, the bad guy must always have a girlfriend who must always know Kung-Fu. Halfway through the movie kill off the girl in the most elaborately, totally-impossible way. This gives the bad guy something to cry about.
- At least one of the good guy’s family members. Said family member will get kidnapped and held hostage, giving the good guy something to seek vengeance over.
- If any police feature and have speaking lines, they must act like they are ex-military, shouting their orders and catch-phrases like “LET’S GO, PEOPLE!” and suffixing 93% of all sentences with “NOW!”
- The good guy’s gun is 94% accurate and when it is used, will kill most henchmen in one shot no matter where they are shot.
- Henchmens’ guns on the other hand, continuously miss. If henchmen fires 189 bullets at good guy from 10 feet away, and the good guy is protected only by an object such as a couch, all bullets will miss. This includes if good guy is getting shot at by fighter jet. All missiles launched from afore-mentioned aircraft will miss, and if aircraft fires its machine guns, all 10,000 bullets will miss.
- Ridiculous amounts of explosions. If it can explode, it will explode.
- Computers making electronic noises, even though they don’t really do that in real life. 8.1 Computers with large amounts of garbled text scrolling so it actually looks like the computer is doing something. Without this the audience will think your computers are inferior! 8.2 Computers able to find other computers and display an IP address and a name of who that IP address belongs to.
- Comic relief that says something corny every 10.78 minutes.
- Vehicles moving at high speeds and performing insane stunts. If good guy is driving, at least one of the vehicles must crash into something airborne, resulting in a massive explosion.
- Good guy must get battered, bruised and cut. Then good guy is able to perform ridiculous stunts, such as jumping on aircraft.
- A building or structure must be destroyed. Whole building or structure must also explode like it was built with TNT & C4. No exceptions.
- Use of complex terms like “isolate him with a level four firewall around his router’s flux capacitor!”
- Police will arrive the nanosecond the bad guy dies. Must be at least three whole precincts worth. Must arrive in every form of transportation available.
- Any shots of helicopters, the helicopter must be leaning heavily to one side, turning away from the camera. Must also have one man hanging out one side holding an automatic rifle.
Also I am [url=http://www.valhalla.net.au/forum/viewtopic.php?p=94423#94]selling my Goosebumps Book Collection[/url]
P.S. This post may contain spoilers.