Ryan Bigg

[url=http://www.valhalla.net.au/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8414]Taken from the Valhalla forums post by Wookie[/url]

—- Original Message —– From: Jason Lassey To: minister.conlon@saugov.sa.gov.au ; premier@saugov.sa.gov.au Sent: Monday, August 27, 2007 7:41 PM Subject: The Adelaide-Brighton “Express” Train

Dear Premier and Minister,

As one of the many unfortunates who labour so very hard in the salt mines that constitute local employment in this city, and as one of those borderline poverty cases that consistently vote labour in the vain hope that democracy actually works for the people, and as one of the few innocents left in this plane of existence who still believe that the governments duty is to provide a certain standard of service to the voting peasants, I had the misfortune to catch the so-called ‘express’ train from Adelaide Railway Station to Brighton. 12 years ago, South Australia was “Going all the way”, unfortunately for those killed or maimed by the ancient railway system per year arent going anywhere. Its enough to make John Olsen roll over in his political grave.

1. 5000 years ago man began inventing new and interesting ways to get around faster and more efficiently. After successfully domesticating the horse, it was rapidly adapted to travel via riding. Over the millenia this obsession with convenient transportation moved from simple riding to chariots and carts. Obviously it was one of these horses that was pulling my express train from the city to brighton last tuesday and again this morning. When i got off the train I checked the exterior and could have sworn I saw “Cobb & Co” stencilled on the outside.

2. Back in the late 19th century Charles Atlas was able to pull a locomotive several feet by himself, and as the train stopped for perhaps the seventieth time on the “express” route, it was perfectly natural to assume that perhaps these were in fact rest stops for the man who was pulling the train. I assumed that this may have been part of some fuel saving exercise, which while commendable given the pollution output of some of these trains, is not conducive to efficient travel for the weary voters of this fairest of cities.

3. I thought that perhaps in peak periods to bolster the fleet even further that the South Australian government might be using a steam engine to pull the express train, although I’ve been on Puffing Billy and it was a lot faster than the train I was on. Its somewhat disturbing to watch yourself be overtaken by an elderly gentlemen riding a model train at one point.

4. The only other possible explanation is that the train would fire up to gain momentum, and then shut the engine off and try to roll while still moving, this while an explanation of why the train would stop and rev the be-jesus out of its engine periodically, is not really an acceptable standard in the transportation industry,

I would like to point out that if Coles ran their express checkout lanes like Adelaide Metro run the trains, it would take hours to progress through the 12 items or less section, with checkouts randomly shutting down without explanation and sitting still for several minutes at a time before moving several feet and doing it again.

Now Im not one to complain normally but as public transport is - at least in theory - a government organisation, and its somewhat disturbing to me that while Mussolini could apparently get the trains running on time, 62 years later we appear to be taking giant steps backward. Its entirely possible that these trains are the actual ones that Mussolini used, given their age and condition. Personally I believe that the utilisation of these older trains to bolster the puiblic transport network is a thinly veiled attempt to solve problems elsewhere. Consider:

The more people that fall through the “accidental” random door openings, are less people that require health treatment in our ever deplorable public health system. These same “accidents” will also reduce the number of people looking for new land to develop housing and will reduce the strain on water consumption and electricity use. It also eliminates potential undesirables from the ghetto sections of Adelaide. Its worth noticing that the train lines only run to the bogan sections of Adelaide - ie. the Elizabeth line, Noarlunga Line and Port Adelaide line. I almost guarantee that if there was a Magill line or something going east for the more affluent of the city’s citizenry that such acts of randomness would be dealt with swiftly and decisively.

While the aforementioned reasons would take some time before they come into any meaningful effect - one or two deaths a year would be barely noticeable - when you combine it with other existing methods, like black deaths in custody, drugs and port adelaide choking in finals, you have a very sufficient form of population cleansing. At the very least, it should go someway to alleviate any overcrowding in these areas.

It is somewhat of an issue that the trains being pressed into service were originally constructed by a giant emu in the Aboriginal dream time, were dug up by archaeologists and now serve as a primary mode of transport. Whilst somethings get better with age - wine, cheese, the Olsen twins - this is not a good quality in a primary transport infrastructure.

Of course any good letter should contain a solution to these problems, not just criticism. So how do we deal with the situation?

1. Of course the first and foremost solution is to build a mono-rail. Without question, a modern and popular mode of transport introduced into Australia during the Wolrd Expo 1988 in Brisbane, would enliven several areas of Adelaide where the only relief from the mundane, pointless existence is when the price of a case of woodstock dips below the $15 mark.

2. Extend the tram line out to these areas. Since the state government is in love with the tram system at the moment, and is planning to relay the track belween the city and Noarlunga anyway…make it a tram line!

3. A high speed train, such as what they use in Japan - a bullet train like concept - as opposed to the one we have at the moment which may well have been devised in Chile where the peak hour trains are pulled by a team of Llama’s.

4. Elect a fascist government. While you might not necessarily agree with ALL of his philosophies, getting the trains to run on time is certainly a feather in Mussolini’s cap.

In conclusion, you must do the right thing. Learn a lesson from Tsar NicholasII - In the early 20th century he ignored the needs of the peasantry in order to protect his own imperial needs and requirements, and the end result was revolution!

Time would fail me to list the complaints about other public issues - health, public housing, education, tax, the existence of the Adelaide Crows, funding for the arts, Hindmarsh stadium, Port supporters (in general), the insidious spread of communism throughout the lan due to a lack of forts - so just give me an express train that is actually “express” and Ill be happy.

Yours Sincerely Jason Lassey

And here’s my constructed-as-good-as-most-trains rant:

The train system is appaling. You pay $26.90 for a “Regular” multi-trip ticket to sit on a noisy train with noisier people. What warrants this cost? I don’t get a bottle of champagne when I board, nor do I get my own compartment with heated towel and complimentary mint. I would happily pay this if there were better seats. The seats have little to no padding in them. Maybe twice in my entire life have I sat on a train seat that has padding. The seats are too close together, I am always bumping knees with the person across from me and I am occasionally sharing a seat with a 300lb fat guy who’s body mass overflows his own seat and into mine. Space out the seats (about one and a half times) and attach another carriage. The train is always packed with people, spreading 2 carriages crammed with people over 3 would be a much better plan. There is not a single seat spare after Mawson Lakes, and many people who board at that station are left standing, especially when it rains.

Most of the trains are nearly as old as me! The track I’m sure is just about as old, and the “express” train, as Wookie implied, is not really express at all! It takes me (according to the official timetable) 36 minutes to travel 26.69 km (this is the road distance, an average speed of 44.483km/h). I never get to the train station at the scheduled “8:27” because there is this OBNOXIOUS obese woman who rides in on a scooter at Salisbury. The train has to stop, the driver has to put the planks down so she can board, the whole process taking about 2 minutes. Why don’t we have a similar system to what the new buses do, like a lift to get these people on the train?

In PEAK HOUR TRAFFIC, from South Terrace in Adelaide to Elizabeth Station I can drive quicker. DEMOLISH the whole train line. The only reason why I don’t drive is because it’s cheaper for me to catch the train.

Build a maglev train. That way I can leave at 8:10 and get to Adelaide ON TIME. They are safer. They are new. They are shiny. They don’t make as much noise. I heard a certain government has a large wad of surplus that maybe, just maybe, they could spend upgrading Adelaide’s train network.

The ticketing system is old and outdated. The tickets should have a little radio transmitter in them that opens the gate when a person with a valid ticket nears. This’ll stop the hold up of the old woman with Parkinsons trying to fit her ticket in the slot provided.

If New York is the city that never sleeps, Adelaide is in a coma.

Coming soon: August LAN Report (with photos)